I'm home and exhausted. I can't believe how tired I am from sitting all day. Literally, all I did today was read food blogs and run out for Thai and ask nurse practitioner Judy for the box of tissues eight dozen times. And I waited at attention for any chance to hold Beckett or hold up Arianna or hold back my own tears. Being there today made me miss Adam.
Because when Arianna was doing treatments and I was still married, I imagined the scene at the hospital including the two of us. The couple visiting the friend. I imagined Adam holding the teddy bear and me holding the camera and Arianna holding the baby and then Adam and I riding home on the subway, talking about the baby. I always had this scene in my head where we enter her hospital room and she's radiant in the bed (because Arianna seriously was radiant after she gave birth, even if she was sweaty and bloody and a wee bit shit-stained) and it's us. And her. Do you see that? Us--as in the two of us standing together--and her--creating her own twosome with her baby.
And now, it is the two of them. And me. Alone.
I'm drinking wine--can you tell?
Can we talk about the baby for a second? He's gorgeous. He's seriously one of the most gorgeous babies ever to crawl on the face of this planet. By which I mean "will crawl" since right now he's sort of doing this weird dance on his back. But still, those tiny feet. And those fingernails! He has these microscopic fingernails.
The doctors can't tell Arianna when he can come home. They've implied that he could be there for as long as six weeks. Every time she asks, they counter with "what was your due date?" And they tell her that he'll most likely go home then; perhaps sooner.
I think Ari is going to go crazy if he has to stay there for almost 7 weeks.
I am going to go down for the evening feeds tomorrow and try some of my cooking lessons early in the day. Right now, I need to go dig through boxes to find my camera. Read up on being a good food blogger today. Apparently photographs are a must. And Arianna wants to keep her camera at the hospital.