Baby Blues

Well that last post was a little embarrassing. Can we...um...just pretend that didn't happen?

This morning I went with Arianna to her OB appointment. She's now at 32 weeks and the baby barely has any room to move. His head is down and the doctor didn't think he'd move out of that position before the birth. So it looks like smooth sailing from here.

How does it feel to accompany your best friend to her OB appointments when you are recently divorced and childless? I'd love to be a self-actualized person and make this all about her, but what can I say? I grew up in the "me" generation. And the whole thing has been difficult from start to finish.

Not to make this all about me (but this is my blog so...it is all about me), but it was hard to watch her struggle through treatments. It was hard to sit next to her when she gave herself an injection when all I wanted to do was knock the syringe out of her hand. It wasn't that I didn't want to see her pregnant and I understood that when you're family building while single, going the traditional route may not be an option. But it was really hard to watch your best friend inflict pain on herself. It was hard to see her so miserable. And while emotionally it wasn't an option, there was always a part of me that wanted to yell "stop!" Infertility was bad enough, the treatments were even worse, and the miscarriages literally gutted her.

I probably sound like the biggest ass in the world and I KNOW KNOW KNOW that this isn't about me. But think of the person you love most in the world. And then pictures them in the most intense emotional pain possible. Wouldn't you want to do anything--even if it was counter productive to fixing the actual problem--just to get them to a place where they weren't in pain? I love Arianna like a sister and I will love her little boy like a nephew. She has certainly taken me through the hardest points of my life and I will always be there for her. And if she ever decides to give this baby a sibling, I will return to my role as expert IM injection giver. But it is intensely difficult to shoot someone you love in the bum. Especially with that awful, knotty oil.

In case you're horrified that she may be reading something I've never told her, these are all things I've shared in drips and drabs. And I've also already told her how difficult it can be to see the ultrasounds even though I want to be there.

Treatments took place while I was still married. But the pregnancy is taking place in the throes of divorce and the aftermath.

It's a very strange place to be. I don't necessarily want a child and I certainly don't have the drive Arianna has towards parenthood. She has endured two miscarriages and numerous IVF cycles with donor sperm to get to this point. And I think it is incredibly brave to go into parenthood as a single mother. She won't be raising the baby alone--I'm going to be over there so much that she is going to be quite sick of me. But it's not the same. It's not the same as sharing the responsibility with a partner. Because while she can call on me to be a sounding board, at the end of the day, every parenting decision is in her hands.

The fact is that if I had had a child with Adam, I would have been like a single parent. A single parent not by choice. And, regardless, you have to be actually home and having sex in order to get pregnant so we couldn't really reach parenthood even if I wanted to raise the child essentially alone. So I want to be pregnant and I don't want to be pregnant. I just miss Adam the most when I'm at the ultrasounds.